The Alternate Ending of the Scarlet Letter
by CrayonKnockr
Summary: (NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.) WARNING: OFFENSIVE. I HAVE WARNED YOU. A Nazi Jewish Hester sent by the Pope. A demonic child that needs a come to Jesus. A minister. A quite mean old man. A confused B-25 Pilot. A Sniper.


CHAPTER SOMETHING

Chillingworth, as the reader will remember, was a conniving, evil bastard. End of story. There's literally nothing else to say about him other than his soul was so cold and icy you'd wonder why he had not yet died of hypothermia. As it stood, he knew that his wife didn't trust him nor like him, and Chillingworth was just fine with that. His 7 year revenge on Hester's lover was beginning to draw to a close. Dimmesdale was dying- and he couldn't be any more happy. But, he had a problem. He hadn't seen Dimmesdale OR Hester for several hours. She had to be somewhere, telling him the truth in its entirety. THAT BITCH! Chillingworth. The voice inside his head said. Rat that bastard out! Let him be hung for betraying you! "WHAT A FANTASTIC IDEA!" Chillingworth yelled aloud. He looked around. Children stared. Their mothers held them close. Chillingworth put up his hood and walked down the street, scheming. Little did he know he'd never get the chance.

SOMEWHERE IN THE AMERICAN WILDERNESS

Hester and Dimmesdale were talking. "But..." Dimmesdale complained. "There's no way Pearl will accept me as her father." "But she will!" Hester said. "She will learn to love you twice what she does me!"

Dimmesdale didn't hear that part. Maybe because he was intently staring at Hester's beautiful figure, and speaking of which, What mother names their baby Hester? OF ALL NAMES. In Hebrew it apparently means myrtle, bride, and star. Anyway, back to the story. Damn that's some nice stockings, he muttered to himself. (HEY, THAT WAS PROBABLY WHAT SEXY TALK WAS BACK THEN) He stared intently into Hester's eyes, and then finally agreed to go meet little Pearl. Pearl was playing in the shallow river when Hester called to her. "Come my child! Meet your new friend!" Pearl looked at her and pointed. "Come at once, Pearl!" Hester said mildly frustrated." Then Pearl let out the most demonic scream, as if she the devil was Pearl himself. "OH HELL NO!" Hester yelled. Dimmesdale's eyes grew wide. On the ground next to him was a continent Knife, which he planned to kill Hester with for saying the most unholy word in the world. Hester tore off her dress Bottom so she could go beat some Jesus into Pearl, which showed her ankles. Dimmesdale then had the idea of throwing rocks at Hester while simultaneously beating her to death for showing skin. (Wait a minute. Wrong culture.)

Instead, he was so overwhelmed by those beautiful fucking things that he fell onto the knife and died. Hester meanwhile was not actually Puritan, but an undercover Jew sent by the Pope himself, to destroy the non-Jesus believers. (I know the Pope is Catholic, what's your point?) she moved with incredible speed that would rival a turtle on steroids and meth, and went over to Pearl who was still screaming, and yelled "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPLELS YOU BITCH, GET BAPTIZED!" (I know that's Christianity, what's your point?) Shoving Pearls face into the water. Her body rapidly shook and spazzed out, but Hester's grip remained firm. "Resistance is futile, Heil Hitler." She said. Eventually Pearls body was still. "There, now do you feel better?" She said. But Pearl couldn't hear her. She was highly dead. Hester, now sad because she would probably go to hell for her deed. Knowing this, she quickly summoned a rope from god and hung herself from the nearest tree.

MEANWHILE, A VERY CONFUSED B-25 PILOT LOADS A NUCLEAR BOMB MEANT FOR HIROSHIMA.

"Time to bomb these Japanese weeaboo fucks!" (Wait. How the fuck does he know about the culture when they're at war?) Says one US pilot. "Get sum!" Says another. Little do they know that a time rift has been created, and they are actually in the 1600s Concorde Massachusetts- and soon there is a smoking crater where a town used to be.

ALSO, A SNIPER FROM 2015 ENTERS A DIFFERENT TIME RIFT, THIS TIME IN THE 1850'S (1850 to be exact.)

His target is Nathaniel Hawthorne. A controversial writer. The sniper has already found him and takes aim, shooting that poor mother fucker in the back of the head as he is writing some book. The sniper now disappears since this has changed time.

That also means this "alternate ending" never happened!

The end :D

STILL more interesting than anything the book actually has.

Reading Checkpoint Questions

1\. ACTION: Throw the Autistic kid's fidget spinner out the window. Did he or she dive after it and soon hit the pavement? Explain.

2\. What is your Quest?

3\. What is your favorite color?

4\. What is the wingmass ratio of a swallow?

5\. What kind?

6\. I don't know.

7\. AAAHHHHHHH!

8\. Were 5-7 questions or were they part of a movie directed by Monty Python? Explain.

9\. IF the cake wasn't a lie, Find the roots of x2+13x-7.

10\. Would Dimmesdale have preformed Satanic rituals while casually robbing a bank if Hester wasn't woke?

11\. Define "Woke."

12\. If "Alluh Akbar" meant "Let's be friends", why the fuck are there bits of Muslim terrorists all over my store?

13\. If you don't follow porn pages, why do you still see such things in your Tumblr inbox?

14\. How many memes "Make dreams?"

15\. Theoretically, if you had a gf (But I'd put my money on you don't you poor son of a bitch) what is love? Lady don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more?

Answer Key

1\. I mean, you HOPE it's ketchup...

2\. To find the holy grail.

3\. Blue- I mean red- I mean- AAAAAHHHH!

4\. Who gives a fuck, honestly.

5\. Well you have African and regular.

6\. Well OF COURSE YOU DONT KNOW!

7\. Aaaaand into the pit of death for you.

8\. Monty Python. Make sure you cite where you found it exactly!

9\. The cake was, and ain't nobody got time for that.

10\. Probably.

11\. The moment when you realize lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.

12\. Time for a drone strike...?

13\. Because fuck you, that's why.

14\. That depends on if you are a rare Pepe or not.

15\. It's that 10 hour song with 3 Jim Carey's in a car.

WELL KIDS, I HOPE YOU LEARNED SOMETHING.


End file.
